HIGH HOPES FOR 2013

A shiny new year

Untarnished, full of promise

Like gold lamé pants

GO TELL IT ON THE MAYANS

Your new calendar

Should maybe have some pictures

Of fuzzy kittens

COMPLETE CHEER FAILURE

Gloomy December

How I want to tell winter

To go fuck itself

THE SOUND OF ONE CAT NAPPING

"Invalid entry"

The beeping keyboard cries out

Unmoved, the cat sleeps

KIDS TODAY

All you kids with your

Wild hair, music, and whatnot.

Not like in my day.

INSTANT DISLIKE ON THE AIRPLANE

Guy blocks aisle to stow

Way too many carry-ons.

Looks like John Bolton.

UNREQUITED

Perhaps the sports team

From your area is just

Not that into you

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

It's my lucky day,

I know it. Time to dream big.

Fly, little pig! Fly!

ECONOMIC OLYMPICS

Ha-ha, what good sport!

Watching the feckless poor dive

Off the fiscal cliff

WARM FUZZIES

Though cynicism

Is taking a holiday,

It will soon return.

I-POSE

Did you know that your

Earbuds transmit sound loudly?

Yes, I thought you did.

THAT'S SOME CATCH

Talk tough and you are

"Presidential," unless you

Are female, you bitch.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

I was promised sun

But it is so not sunny

This is an outrage

NATIONAL WINDBAG CONSENSUS

Partisan gridlock.

Who knew? Both sides are to blame!

Time to compromise!

E TU, COLI?

Hey, FDA, stop

Getting in the way of my

Foodborne pathogens

POWER OUTAGE, DAY 2

Bye-bye Internets

Hello, odd canned food items

From cupboard corners

LIKE, A HURRICANE

My kid won't notice

That the sky's falling until

The Internet goes

POSITIVE THINKING

[Facsimile of neighbor]

Hurricane's coming--

Swirl and blow, you autumn leaves,

To my neighbor's yard

MODERN TIMES

NOM NOM NOM

The Diet of Worms

Luckily, Lutherans now

Can haz cheezburger

CIRCLING THE DRAIN

Knock, knock. Who's there? Your

Car engine. Also, it's time

To call the plumber.

DEBATE-O-RAMA

Arms in the wrong hands!

And what's on the end of them?

They look like... mittens.

MIDDLE-CLASS HELPER

Modest proposals

For helping the less well-off

All sound delicious

MITT LIKE ME

Just folks.

Good news, middle class!

Income on capital gains

Could be tax-free soon!

POST-DEBATE SUSPENSE

Gosh I hope someone

Pompous and self-important

Can tell me who won

SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT

If you preface your

Insult with “No offense, but..."

Then they can't get mad

THE PRODUCERS, PART 2

Let's have an Ayn Rand

Halloween! You be Atlas,

And I'll wear a shrug.

BUT NOT SLAVERY

On the highway to Hojo's.

Wow, Leviticus

Sure forbids some random things.

Heed at your peril.

NOT I

I can tell my flip

Phone impresses all the folks

At the Apple store

MITTENJUICE

Mix crocodile tears

With 47%

Fresh-squeezed middle class

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

[thx to cynical-c.com for sharing]

What crap did I buy

To get on your mailing list

Jesus shoot me now

SUNDAY EVENING HYPNOSIS

[photo by Mike Enright]

I'm feeling sleepy

And I won't remember this

On Monday morning

HELPINESS

Unwanted keyboard

Clicks per minute: the record

Is held by my cat

LIFE GOES ON

$7?

No one has yet called

From Publishers Clearing House

Better get to work

DUDELY AFFLICTION

He takes up three seats

So very manly is he

He can't close his knees

PRE-MADE PAPERBACK COVERS 2: FBI

FBI guy says

"Not on my watch!" Or maybe

"Ow, my hand's on fire"

PRE-MADE PAPERBACK COVERS 1: DRAGONSLAYER

http://bookgraphics.wordpress.com/pre-made-paperback-covers/

Hunkily he stands,

Loincloth-clad, wielding a sword,

Knee-deep in green goo.

NOT IMPRESSED

[released by Harvard]

Jesus had a wife?

What's the big deal? After all,

So did Oscar Wilde.

UNDER THE WEATHER

Hopped up on Nyquil

While my brain endlessly sings

"Oppan Gangnam Style"

THIS IS JUST TO SAY

I am pretty mad

That the fridge does not contain

Even one damn plum

IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES

In the big, wide world

Each new day brings some new thing

To complain about

SUNDAY MORNING, 9 A.M.

[note that leaves are still on the trees]

Love thy neighbor? Not

Likely, listening to his

Fucking leaf blower

SYNAPSE MISFIRE

Basil

Tabletop speaker

On the floor and lamp broken

The cat spazzes out

WHY BOTHER

Slimy sidewalk plus

Hose equals the expected

Wet slimy sidewalk

SELF-MEDICATING

[from teh internets]

I drink the foul brown

Spilanthes tincture so that

I may feel nothing

THE SOUND OF AMBIENCE

Does "ambient" mean

Completely ignorable?

If not, make it stop

THE WAY THINGS ARE UNTIL THEY GET WORSE

(This can't be a real dance.)

Celebratory

Dancing, and then, at my age,

Strong analgesics.

BIRTHDAY REFLECTIONS

[generic attribution]

What have I done with

Another year on this earth?

I have made some blogs.

IMPULSE CONTROL

[hilarious cover by Bruce McCall]

Tourists in New York

Three abreast, strolling, chatting:

I want to shove you.

CURMUDGEON AT THE FARMER'S MARKET

[from Second Wind CSA]

Heirloom tomatoes

in an array of colors

But not one is blue

RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT

[what Wikipedia says autumn looks like]

Well is it named "fall"

The Sunday night of seasons

BLAM it's September